The Playa Calls But Will I Go?

So in my universe, this time of year is all about one thing -- Burning Man! In case you've never heard of it, www.burningman.com Burning Man is an annual gathering of 40,000+ in the playa northeast of Reno. People gather for a celebration of art, community, friendship and free expression that culminates in the burning of the giant man. That doesn't really describe it but it's the best I can do -- as the website rightly points out trying to describe Burning Man to someone who has never been is like trying to explain a particular color to someone who is blind. But I digress.

Everyone around me -- both in person and on Facebook -- is obsessed with their Burning Man preparations. If you've ever been, you know why. Costumes, water, trailers, lighted objects, trading objects, hula hoops dominate the conversation. Everyone is in a scramble to finalize their preparations and begin their burn. It all officially commences on August 30 and ends on Labor Day.

And I'm still unsure if I'm going. How can this be? Well, a few weeks ago I decided not to go. My 3yo daughter still hasn't recovered from my two nights away in July for a girls weekend in Vegas. She continues to panic whenever I'm out of sight and last week, she actually had a mini meltdown when it occurred to her I wouldn't stick around for her weekly playdate with Granny. This is such out of the norm behavior for my little one who usually greets my departure with a casual "See ya later Mom", that I decided it might be best to forego my usual 5 days at Burning Man this year so as not to throw her into complete insecure hysteria. It's especially worrisome to me because two days after I would return from the playa, she will start her first day of preschool. She's never been to daycare or school or any kind so this is a big deal. Oh, and the first day of school is also her third birthday. Talk about a big day...probably the biggest of her short life.

But now I'm having second thoughts. The playa is calling me -- loudly. I long to don my wings, hoop skirt and fringed shoes and get lost in the beats, climb Thunderdome, jump fire, and ride my bike across the bumpy playa. I want my burn. I'm sad to miss it and I want to go. But I just don't feel right leaving her this year. Last year it wasn't very hard because frankly, she had so little concept of time it didn't quite register with her that I was gone for that long. This year is totally different. She gets it. Since I returned from my girls weekend she has talked nonstop about how sorry she was to "lose" me at the airport and any departure, even for just an hour, is met with tears and clinginess. I can't imagine her reaction if I left for a few days and then shortly after my return tried to leave her at school. That meltdown would be epic.

So despite my longing, I think I will let my motherhood calling drown out the call of the playa. I've considered a quick run for an overnight visit to the playa, but I think no burn would be better than trying to squeeze one into a night. The days of her needing me like this are finite. There will be other times for my burn...at least I hope so.