Doubt

In the final scene of the film “Doubt” Sister Aloysius Beauvier, played by Meryl Streep, shatters all perceptions of her as stoic and hard-fast in her belief in the Church and the absolute code of right and wrong that she follows. She collapses into the arms of Sister James, played by the amazing Amy Adams, and through her tears cries out, ‘I have doubts.”

It’s been two days since I saw this movie and that scene is stuck in my head. There are many powerful scenes in this film – especially moving is the scene between Sister Aloysius and Mrs. Miller in which much of the backdrop to this story becomes clear. But the final scene with the two sisters has gripped me and won’t go away. How can someone so absolute in herself, her role in life, and her dedication to God have doubts? I am bewildered as I have always envied believers for possessing a certainty about all things that escapes me and my secular life. From what follows death to what to eat, people of religious faith have seemed to me to have absolute answers. A strict code to live by – black and white with little, if any, gray to muddle things up.

I think this scene sticks with me because Sister Aloysius' doubts have given me permission to give myself a break. Without faith to guide me, I am left to my own devices and who knows if my compass is indeed accurate. Am I good enough? Nice enough? Smart Enough? Tough enough? Attractive enough? I’m sure these self-doubts are common but I often think there’s no way that others doubt themselves the same harsh way that I do. Coming home from a dinner, party or meeting, I will run the entire events’ conversation through my head. Did I say something silly or inappropriate? Did I offend in some way? Was I clever or more of a bore? What do those who just shared my time think of me, what I did, what I said? And at the end of this litany I always arrive at the same two questions: What can I do about it now and does it really matter as much as I think it does?

The answers are invariably very little and no. So, I think logically, I should stop doubting myself and move on. While I’m worrying about what just happened, others are likely moving on to what will happen next. Now, thanks to Sister Aloysius (and the amazing writer John Patrick Shanley), perhaps I can actually do that. It took a movie to show me that everyone has doubts, even those who seem certain. Maybe now I will spend less time doubting and more time just doing.